Close But No Cigar by Weird Al Yankovic lyrics (text):

Jillian was her name 
She was sweeter than aspartame 
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA 
And after that I never was the same 

And I loved her even more 
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle 
She was gorgeous, she was charming 
Yeah, she was perfect in every way 

Except she was always using the word "infer" 
When she obviously meant "imply" 
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing 
But frankly, I can't imagine why 

And I told her, I said 
"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey? 
No, I don't think we are! 
You're close! (Close!) 
But no cigar!" 

Then I met sweet young Janet 
Prettiest thing on the planet 
Had a body hotter than a habanjero 
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate 

And I was crazy like Manson about her 
She got me all choked up like Momma Cass 
She had a smile so incredibly radiant 
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass 

I thought after all these years of searching around 
I'd found my soulmate finally 
But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy 
Of Joe Dirt on DVD 

Oh, no! I said 
"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo? 
No I don't think we are! 
You're close! (Close!) 
Oh, so very close! (Close!) 
Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!) 
So close! 
But no cigar!" 

(Oh, yeah!) 
(Oh, no!) 
(Oh, yeah!) 
(Oh, no!) 
(Oh, yeah!) 
(Oh, no!) 
(ALL RIGHT!) 

[Hand claps, trumpet solo] 

Julie played water polo 
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo 
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near 
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo 

And she was everything I've dreamed of 
She moved right up to #1 on my list 
And did I mention she's a world famous billionare 
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist 

Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron 
Look like a big fat slobbering pig 
The only caveat is one of her earlobes 
Was just a little tiny bit too big 

I said 
"Hey! Are we doing government work here? 
No I don't think we are! 
You're close! (Close!) 
So very, very close! (Close!) 
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!) 
So close! 
But no cigar!" 

Missed it by that much! (No cigar!) 
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!) 
Really, really, really close! (No cigar!) 
But no cigar!