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The school Christmas party is coming
We ain't doing rugby no more
McIntyre's teaching us waltzing
Out on the gymnasium floor
Out on the gymnasium floor

McIntyre's out of the army
You'll be slippered if you get him wrong
McIntyre's din booms loud in the gym
And we've only got a little short song
We've only got a little short song

And it's one, two, three, two, two we're all a disgrace
McIntyre tore us apart
And we dance with ourselves when we'd all found a space
Waltzing with fear in our hearts
Waltzing with fear in our hearts

Comes the day of the final manoeuvre, all of our heads are a whirl
It's getting much closer to D-day
This time we're gonna do it with girls
This time we're gonna do it with girls

In the arena the ladies were waiting
A twelve year old parter to dine
Some matches were fixed, the rest of us mixed
And a fat girl got left at the side
A fat girl got left at the side

And it's one, two, three, two, two we're all a disgrace
McIntyre tore us apart
And we dance with ourselves when we'd all found a space
Waltzing with fear in our hearts
Waltzing with fear in our hearts.

When you come to my fights, and I'm under the lights
And you see that my footwork is false
Don't count me out at the start of the bout
I'm just doing the secondary waltz
Doing the secondary waltz